People on anabolic steroids make me laugh.

One long weekend this summer I took my family to the West Edmonton Mall and we stayed in the Fantasy Land Hotel. After a hard day of water-parking, mini-golfing, Boston Pizza-eating, and pointing at expensive stuff, we were all worn out and ready for a good night's sleep.

After eight hours, as is usual, I was wide awake and, as is also usual, the rest of my family was not. I snuck out to the Gold's Gym in the mall, which is free for hotel guests. The place was fairly empty that early on a Sunday morning, but I did take note of the aforementioned chemically-enhanced bodybuilder.

Actually, considering how much noise the guy was making, it was hard not to notice him. With each repetition, he made sounds akin to an overly excited sea lion. I know this because the previous day we had watched a show at "Sea Lion's Rock," and the main attraction regularly barked out with "Ha-rooo-ahhh!" just as the bodybuilder did.

Besides the grotesquely huge muscles, the stretch marks, the back acne, and the muscle shirt that was way TMI, I noticed that during the hour I was in the gym he only worked one body part the entire time: his triceps.

If he plays tennis, I'm sure he has a killer backhand.

Find the weightlifting program that's right for you after the jump.

When I was a kid in school there was a public service campaign squeezed in between the ones about not talking to strangers and not eating paste about what side of the road you are supposed to ride your bike on versus what side to walk/run on.

If there is a sidewalk, you walk on that (Duh). If there is no sidewalk, you walk/run on the left side, facing traffic. However, if you're on a bicycle, you're supposed to go in the same direction as traffic. I thought everyone knew this.

Apparently, "everyone" is not the all-encompassing term I once believed it to be.

I recently received an angry email from someone who read that I advocate running facing traffic. It was a profanity-laced rant about how I was on the wrong side of the road. He told me he's a cyclist and that if he is riding with traffic and I'm running against traffic, it forces him out into the road where he can be hit by a car, and that if he saw me coming towards him he would ride right at me to force me off the [expletive deleted] road.

Don't get fat, because if you do, you'll be fat forever! Fear! Woe! Despair!

This is how much of the media is interpreting a new obesity study out of Sweden. 'Fat Forever' certainly makes a good headline, but what they're doing by spewing this hyperbole is violating the principle of Occam's razor.

Occam's razor is a principle that the simplest explanation to an event is usually the correct one. As an example, you do the laundry and a sock goes missing. Why?

1. An alien shape shifter that loves the taste of freshly-washed socks has taken the place of your dryer.
2. The mixture of tumbling and heat opens a wormhole into a parallel universe, but the hole is only large enough to allow socks to travel through.
3. You lost a sock somehow, somewhere. It might turn up, and it might not. Deal with it.

Occam's razor asserts that number three is most likely correct. Go figure.

While those are extreme examples, the aforementioned weight loss study out of Sweden (PDF) has caused all sorts of complex assumptions to be made about losing weight where a simpler answer is quite likely more correct.

"No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you." – Homer Simpson

I can run 10km in about 42 minutes. If I did nothing but train to get faster at this distance over the next year I might get my time down to 37 minutes. Were I 20 years younger I probably could have run 10km in 34 minutes with relentless training. That's my genetically predetermined limit. No amount of training would ever have allowed me to do it any faster.

The men's world record for a 10km is 26:17. Homer was right. Even if I'd trained my very hardest in my prime there were probably a million people better than me. Even if I train my hardest now there are probably a million people in my own age group better than me.

I don't think there are any future or current Olympians reading this; we're mostly genetically average people. Just FYI, there is no such thing as a former Olympian. Once you compete in the Olympics you're an Olympian until the day you become worm food, and then those worms probably go on to compete in the worm Olympics.

Not all people are good people.

I like to think most are, but still, jerks abound. Really jerky jerks.

You need to protect yourself from them.

If you're out for a run or just a stroll, here are a number of tips that can keep you safe.

1. Tone down the tunes
Noise isolating headphones are great for tuning out excessive grunting at the gym, but should never be worn outside. You need to be able to hear cars, bikes, animals and people approaching, so wear regular headphones and keep the volume down. If you think you're in conditions where you may be a little less safe, don't wear headphones at all, as this projects an image of being more aware of your surroundings and less easy prey to human predators.

2. Go with a buddy
Running outside with a friend is a great idea, especially if that friend is big, has four legs, lots of sharp teeth, and a willingness to disembowel anyone who tries to hurt you.

3. If it's dark, make sure you're seen
While running in daytime is preferable, busy schedules and living in the Canadian north don't always allow for this, so make sure you blink and glow like a three-eyed fish from Springfield while running in the dark.

Nine more safety tips after the jump.

A while ago I eviscerated reality weight loss show The Biggest Loser while extolling the virtues of its Canadian competitor, X-Weighted. Since then, I've watched a few more episodes of the latter, and really started to like it.

I've started to like a reality TV show. Me.

In my defense, X-Weighted is more like a documentary than reality TV. That's my story and I'm sticking with it. Anyway, unlike TBL's Jillian Michaels, who I think is merely an actress playing the role of trainer on TV, X-Weighted's Paul Plakas is a well-educated and professional trainer who really knows his stuff, so I thought to myself: I'd like to write something about fitness classes. Then I thought: but I don't much about fitness classes. Finally it occurred to me: I bet Paul Plakas knows lots about fitness classes.

As usual, I was right. Paul does know a lot about fitness classes.

My wife can kick my ass.

She just achieved her international-level black belt in karate, which means I've got my own personal bodyguard. Cue Whitney Houston music: "And I-eee-I-eee-I... will always love you-ooo-I-eee-I..."

My kids are rapidly progressing up the karate ladder as well, so the day rapidly approaches in which I will live in fear. Well, I guess if they get out of line I can just threaten to tell their mother.

At least I can run faster than all of them.

Anyway, my point is that martial arts are actually an awesome way to get in shape, and not just for you, but it can become a family activity, as it did in the case of my ass-kicking family. Whether it's karate or another form of martial arts, most of them have a number of similar qualities in terms of physiological and psychological benefits.

1. I love to eat
Running is one of the most time-efficient, calorie-burning exercises around. When I run, that food I've eaten gets burned off as heat energy. If I didn't run, that food would end up getting stored as an unhealthy and unattractive blob around my midsection. Running many kilometres is what got me slim, and it's what keeps me that way.

2. I love to be outside
Regardless of this great country's weather extremes, there is something invigorating about spending time outside, especially if you're sweating while doing it. Whenever I need an excuse to get outside, my running shoes are always right there asking me to strap them on. The opportunities to be outside and running abound. If I drop my kids at a birthday party, I run. When I take them to a karate class, I run. When I wake up early and everyone else is asleep, I run. When TV sucks, I run.

When I want to, I run.

Find out six more reasons after the jump.

I don't discriminate against the overweight. Anyone who thinks so would be saying I discriminate against my own mother, and you don't want to do that, because I love my mommy.

Yes, I get in people's faces when they make lame excuses as to why they can't work out because it grabs attention. If I wrote these posts like they were being submitted to a scholarly journal then the average retention level would fall to that of a rugby player in a scrapbooking class. My occasional profanity, outlandish statement, and downright offensiveness keep readers on their toes so that the underlying messages sink in.

In other words, I yell because I care. You're welcome.

Now that you know I'm really a nice guy deep down, it's time to piss some people off.

A little while ago I wrote a post on how slow and steady is the best way to lose weight and the comments section turned into a bit of a battleground over claims that people are genetically programmed to be fat and there is nothing they can do about it. Here is one quote: "Stop trying to lose weight. If you're like most people, you won't. Not permanently. You're fighting generations of genetics. You're not going to win."

Granted, this person did not disparage exercise and efforts to be healthy, but she was against trying to lose weight, saying you can't win. I respectfully disagree to hell and back.

Male or female, we've all got sensitive bits "down there" that we'd like to minimize exposing to trauma.

Still, when I saw how much a pair of proper cycling shorts cost I wondered if padding my nethers was really worth it. I've been riding pretty regularly for years and have never used them. And even though my hybrid bicycle doesn't have any shocks and the saddle is pretty hard, over some long bike trips I seem to have built up a tolerance to having each little bump feel like a prostate exam.

But then I got birthday money.

My mother-in-law gave me $50 with the specific intent of buying cycling shorts. I think my wife told her I needed these type of shorts. My wife seems to have an interest in my... Oh, never mind. Anyway, I went down to the cycle shop a few weeks ago with no idea as to how much these things really cost. I figured $50 should cover most of it.

I was wrong. The pair I looked at was twice that amount. And these were the cheaper ones. I could have paid as much $250. For a pair of shorts.