Are you feeling disconnected and uninspired when it comes to sex with your partner? Claudia Blake, author of The Joy of Mindful Sex, explains how mindfulness can be successfully applied to your sex life and ultimately blow both of your minds.

Q: What is mindful sex?

A: Mindfulness is an attitude of peaceful awareness. Rather than drifting along absently or being distracted by a thousand worries, we focus our attention on our environment and our own bodies. It's the foundation of most meditations, but it's not exclusively religious: instead, it's a way of being present in oneself that makes for a calmer and more vivid experience that can make anyone feel more healthy and steady. It's very simple, very commonsensical at its root and at the same time very powerful. Mindful sex is nothing more complicated than taking that age-old practice and applying it to one's lovemaking.

Q: How can being mindful make sex better?

A: We live such hectic lives nowadays, so surrounded by stimulation of all kinds, that it can be difficult to let go of all the worries, about ourselves and about our lives, and just enjoy what we're doing--it's very hard to find enjoyment as long as those busy thoughts are possessing us. Mindfulness allows us to replace self-consciousness with self-awareness, taking pleasure in the moment. When we practice it alone, it helps us centre ourselves and become more comfortable in our bodies and imaginations; when practiced with a partner, it can be a wonderful way of increasing our connection to another body and soul.

Q: What creates sexual ruts or disconnection?

A: Losing track of how we really feel, to put it at its most basic. Everywhere we turn in this modern world we see images of how we should look, what we should want, pressure to be some artificial ideal that nobody can ever measure up to. And how can we? The artificial idea is created from the outside in, and sex is experienced from the inside out. We know this intellectually, but knowing something in our heads doesn't stop it from nagging at us--we need to learn how to feel it emotionally--which is where mindfulness comes in. To stop being distracted by all the things we're not but feel we should be, we can fill ourselves with awareness of who we actually are.

Q: How can mindful sex address some of the most common problems people face in the bedroom?

A: A lot of the 'problems' we have come down to panicking at the first sign there might be a problem! Few things are worse for sex than performance anxiety, but if we're honest, everybody feels it sometimes--and it never helps. A man who's anxious about his potency, for example, is far more likely to lose his erection entirely if he starts to worry about it, and the same thing can happen to a woman who's nervous she might not reach orgasm: thinking 'Oh no, maybe I can't do it!' has got to be one of the least aphrodisiac thoughts in the world. The point of mindful sex is to let go of thinking about what 'should' happen and just have a good time experiencing what is happening. Sex shouldn't be about goals, it should be about having a pleasant moment, and if we can relax into that, then any kind of sex can be good sex.

Q: Can you describe a couple of exercises you recommend in the book?

A: A very easy and pleasant exercise is the sensuous meditation. Settling yourself into a comfortable position, focus your attention on your body. Begin by letting your awareness rest on your breathing, the sensation of lovely clean air going in and out, until you're in a state of pleasant relaxation. Once there, start bringing your attention round to the erotic areas of your body - your genitals, your lips, your nipples, whatever parts you love to have stroked and stimulated. Just let your awareness rest in them, feeling the outlines of your sexual self. This is a wonderful way to experience your body in terms of sensation, which helps let go of the dissatisfaction we all sometimes feel with our own flesh.

An exercise that's lovely for connecting with your partner is eye-gazing. Seat yourself opposite your partner, take a moment to relax, and look straight into each others' eyes, and keep gazing for a good five minutes or more. It doesn't sound like much, but it can be extraordinarily affecting: we live in a culture where a long stare is almost forbidden - think of how children have 'staring contests' and wind up in heaps of giggles, or how 'Are you looking at me?' is the sentence of someone wanting to start a fight. Just take a long, loving look into the eyes of your partner, and finally finish with an embrace. It's amazing what a difference releasing that taboo can make.

Q: What's your advice for a couple that's feeling disconnected sexually?

A: Be open with each other - which means being open to yourself. The best sex is between people who understand what they want and are receptive to what their partner wants, but it can take a degree of self-knowledge and courage to find that possible. In a way, the relationship is the last step on the journey: you can only connect your self with another person when you know what that self is. Rather than scrambling to try new positions or try on lacy underwear (though there's nothing wrong with either of those in themselves), it's best to begin by gaining faith in your own sensual experience and imagination. Then you can know that what you're offering your partner is a beautiful gift rather than a bundle of problems--that you have always been a beautiful gift--and you can have the confidence to see your partner as a gift too.

Communication and empathy are the foundation of any sexual connection, whether in casual fun or a lifetime's commitment, and that honesty and compassion have to come from within. Too many relationships rely on hoping the other person will magically know what we need, but it's when we know ourselves that the real magic happens.