We all have fears that affect the ways in which we interact with those around us. But sometimes those fears are so powerful that they prevent us from achieving true intimacy and trust with those we love. Psychologist and relationship counselor Dr. Brenda Shoshanna, author of the upcoming Fearless (The 7 Principles of Peace of Mind) explains how fear can ruin a relationship - and how you can take steps to get rid of the fear that gets in the way of living a full, satisfying life.

Q: How does fear change the way we behave?

A: Fear is a toxin that infiltrates every aspect of our lives. It lowers our immune system, clouds thought and creates all kinds of catastrophic expectations that will never take place. Our lives become constricted and [we're] unable to live with joy, spontaneity, well being and ease.

Q: Where does fear come from?

A: Fear often camouflages itself and manifests in all kinds of ways, such as addiction, compulsion, perfectionism and constriction of many kinds. It comes from within ourselves and the way in which we respond to the messages we hear. We then intensify the experience of fear by the way in which we respond to it. When we learn the truth about fear and how to respond to it appropriately it quickly dissolves and fades away.

One way people intensify fear is to dwell upon the stories it tell us, including the catastrophic expectations. They don't realize that what they pay attention to increases. They spend hours focusing on expectations and worries that never come to pass, and stories that are often fantasies. Another way they intensify fear is to believe the messages it tells them. When we refuse to believe what fear tells us, we take its power away.

Q: How does fear interfere with our relationships?

A: We become suspicious, defensive, withdrawn, calculating, unable to live with natural trust and good will. When fear becomes intense we see others as our enemies, and this can even grow into a life of paranoia. Unchecked fear poisons all relationships.

Q: What are some of the usual relationship trouble spots (i.e., things that show up on a daily or weekly basis) related to fear?

A: Some usual trouble spots are: lack of ability to trust, lack of ability to forgive, excessive competitiveness, power struggles, untruthful communications (lying), blaming others, hiding, and on and on. When fear arises in any relationship, it automatically distances us from our partner and makes us focus upon that which is negative in them. Not only that, but fear distorts our perception of others and blocks out all the beauty and goodness about the person we are with. As we learn to dissolve fear, a truer perspective returns and we are able to move forward to resolve difficulties with ease and respect.

Q: Is it possible to create true intimacy if you're guided by fear?

A: Fear makes true intimacy completely impossible. It is the great wall that causes people to run from closeness and commitment, where love and trust grow.

Q: How can we overcome fear to create more successful relationships?

A: Don't believe the messages fear brings you. Step back and watch your fear, realize that the catastrophic expectations it churns up and negative messages are not necessarily true. When the fear passes, you'll be in a better position to see what's really going on. When you are in the throes of the emotion, you cannot see the truth of the matter. By not empowering fear with attention, belief and energy the emotion passes, and the truth shines through. Simply see fear, when it arises, as energy, and know you can decide to let it go. Choose to let it go, see and feel it leaving, send it happily on its way.

Overcoming fear and developing authentic peace of mind is a practice. There are many steps to take, which if practiced faithfully, dissolve fear on the spot. These steps are based upon timeless wisdom and cannot fail. They teach us to see ourselves and others differently, focus, discover who we truly are, where we can find our true security, the real purpose of relationships and how to tell the difference between real and counterfeit love. We also learn how to stop running from fear and deal with the emotions that arise in its wake.

Q: Can you give me an example of an exercise that can be used to address fear?

A: Here's a concrete example from my upcoming book: Fearless (The 7 Principles of Peace of Mind), Sterling, due out in June 2010. Stop for a moment and see fear as a bully. See yourself running away from it. Now, take a moment to stop running and turn around. A bully takes its strength from your flight. There are many ways to stop and face the fear directly.

Q: What commonly prevents people from overcoming fear?

A: People think that fear protects them from danger, while the opposite is true. Fear creates imbalance and danger in our lives. It prevents us from seeing things as they are, in proper perspective. When fear strikes, people become numb and even paralyzed, not realizing that the story they tell themselves is keeping the feeling going, and that the story is usually not so. People do not realize that fear can be released easily, that they are stronger than their fear. They simply need to step back, feel the feeling and choose to let it go.