Should You Settle Instead of Waiting for Mr. Perfect?
Categories: Love & Relationships, Advice, Happiness, How to Be Happy
PrintShould You Settle Instead of Waiting for Mr. Perfect?">
Worried that you've become too picky to ever find someone that can make you happy? We asked Lori Gottlieb, author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, to explain how being picky about the right things (instead of everything) can increase your odds of finding a happy match.Q: How is your life a cautionary tale?
A: I don't think my life is a cautionary tale. I have many wonderful aspects to my life. But I do think that had I had the information I gathered for Marry Him ten years ago, I would have made very different choices in my dating life that would have led me to a happy marriage by now. And the feedback I've gotten from women is that reading this has been immensely helpful to them in terms of making dating less confusing and helping them to focus on men who can actually make them happy instead of chasing the same kind of guy over and over, with disappointing results.
Q: So what's your advice for women?
A: I don't have advice - this isn't an advice book. As a journalist, I went out and spoke to scientists and researchers who study happiness and romantic fulfillment and marital satisfaction to get an answer to the question: What really matters for long-term romantic happiness? Readers can take this information and start looking for those things, and make sure that their dating choices are consistent with what actually makes people happy in love. I'm not a dating expert - I went to the experts to get these answers.
Q: Why is it a mistake to search for "The One"?
A: I think it's about searching for somebody who makes you happy and with whom you have chemistry. There's not just "one" person in the world who can do that for you.
Q: How did women's marriage standards get so high?
A: Marriage standards should be high! We should have high standards, especially about marriage. But we should make sure that we have high standards about the things that are going to matter, and let go of the standards that are irrelevant to our happiness over the years.
Q: Can you give me some examples of things we should focus on and standards we should let go of?
A: [You should] focus on "Am I happy when I'm with this person?" instead of "Does he meet every single criterion on my mental check-list of The One?" There are so many specific examples in the book, and it really depends on the woman. One woman wouldn't date men who weren't "creative" or "artsy" even though the "creative" or "artsy" men she dated turned out to be flakey, unstable and unreliable. That kind of thing.
Q: The idea of settling has an inherently negative connotation; how can settling possibly be good?
A: Settling for someone you don't love or aren't attracted to is NOT good! I don't use the term that way in the book at all. Settling is used in the title to get women to think about how we look at dating. There's a survey in the book where men and women were asked if they got 80 percent of their ideal qualities in a partner, would they be happy? Most women said, "No way, that's settling!" Most men said, "Eighty percent -- that's a catch!" But the research shows that, in fact, people are happiest with less than "everything" -- and that's not settling, that's love and acceptance. Ironically, studies show that the people who always insist on getting everything they want are more depressed -- not just in dating, but in life.
Q: And the one thing you want women to take away from your book?
A: That we're all Mr. and Ms. Good Enough -- and once you fall in love with somebody, they become Mr. or Ms. Right. Often we're too picky about the things that don't matter for long-term romantic happiness, and not picky enough about the things that do. Marry Him is all about what it means to find the RIGHT Mr. Right who is human and flawed, just like we are. Often we're wrong about the kind of person who can make us happy and Marry Him is about opening up the possibilities -- not lowering our standards at all -- but opening up to the idea that there are many different kinds of men who can make us happy and with whom we can fall in love. I know - it happened to me!
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
pamela 3-02-2010 @ 6:39AM
After being married for 35 yrs, and now on my own, I am finally doing all the things I never got to do. I have never been happier, and more relaxed. Life is so good, and I am enjoying every day.. Why waste time searching, and worrying trying to find a partner to make you happy?? Happiness comes from within......nothing lasts forever... CARPE DIEM!!!!!1
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Brandi 3-02-2010 @ 10:02AM
I couldn't agree more with the comment above. If you aren't happy with your self then how on earth will you ever learn to make your partner happy and allow them to make you happy. Live each moment for what it is. Allow your self to enjoy what comes and by all means allow yourself to love. "Nothing lasts forever" EXACTLY!!!So enjoy the moment, enjoy the little things and take a small part of everything you experience with you along the way. Build on it, grow from it, and share it with the rest of the world!
Robert Pittman 3-02-2010 @ 12:12PM
I was married for 24 years,fighting aruging never knowing what to expect next.I finally left her and swore I would never again be married again,after 4 years I finally found the right one.I stoped looking for the perfect model type,and there she was,the woman who lets me be me.I have asked her to be my wife and she said yes.We are going to be married in 5 weeks.So don,t settle,just fall in love.
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Pamela 3-02-2010 @ 4:18PM
Congratulations Robert......all the best
Hear... Hear.... Brandi.....we think alike!!!
amy 3-02-2010 @ 3:11PM
I think this is often times very geered to women being picky but really most times its the guys who are the picky ones, and aught to just go for it.
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JOHN 3-05-2010 @ 4:32AM
Hello.
I prefer to use a more sensible approach to the very important
undertaking of finding a person who you can be truly happy with.
It is almost essential that one makes a list of the traits or habits
in a potenial partner about those things which one simply
cannot tolerate.
For instance, if a potential partner simply drinks more alcoholic
drinks than is sensible, note that if this gets worse, you can be
in for great trouble in the marriage.
My view is that a potential partner who shows ANY SIGN of being
violent, must be avoided. One severe blow to your body, is
the first and only bite of a dog. Second blow, and the potential
partner is GONE. This means a blow or strike deliberately made
to punish....not a playful slap.
Mental compatibility is vital If a partner is mentally domineering....
I know, you do not.....take heed, this will only get worse.
If your potential partner is 'mad' about golf, and you could care less
about the game, fine.
but you had better watch out you do not rapidly become a 'golf
widow(er)'
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yoohoomissblue 3-05-2010 @ 10:38AM
Brandi; People can be unhappy with themselves and still make others happy. Consider when a person is ill. Although unhappy with their own ill situation and state they may still treat others very well. Some people actually put others before themselves. It often makes some feel better while they are making others happy. To be able to suppress your own feelings of yourself and issues is done by focussing on others'. In fact not only is this seen in illness but through abusive situations. A person may be a constant battering ram and be brought down on themself. The abuser pointing out all of the victims weaknesses or flaws to lower their esteem. Even creating newer issues for the victim that were never there in the victims mind prior to that. A victim strives to survive and in doing so, they learn to keep their abuser happy. A survival mechanism. So here are 2 cases of how someone can make another happy while unhappy with themselves. Another case is seen in prostitution. You can likely sum this theory up...
Regards to falling in love with that one you seek as being the perfect Mr RIGHT/Mrs Right... You can actually fall in love with someone who is opposite of what you were looking for or have become accustomed to associating with. Love is a feeling and less about materialism. Love grows. You can find yourself loving someone you've rejected to. As you see with unrequitted love- those who don't love you back. Not the "real love". People can search all their lives for perfection. Often with perfectionism you find narcism though. Just as what Robert Pittman has pointed out in his comment. It's at a point with some when they just use others as "tools". The screw driver must have the perfect head, the vice made by a certain company, the item must have a certain price tag... Until a new machine turns up on the market to replace that tool. That's not real love though. One day their system will fail. Just like all of modern technology. One person who has their finger on the remote controlling it all can be like an atomic bomb. What's it to be a prop in their world? Mostly what those people who are looking for perfection in you are just looking for someone to make up for where they lack.
I think what matters most is health.. To be the healthiest you can be and perhaps seeking others who associate with the same goal so you can continue like a team. Then you are feeling better. Also those you love gain from that sharing.
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yoohoomissblue 3-05-2010 @ 10:56AM
John; When you say that the partner is "MAD" about golf, does this
become that excuse for a "HIT AND RUN"?
Some dogs bite at the hands of their aggressors or attack at those
they know and sense bring harm to them or their children like a
predator. Dogs have a VERY KEEN SENSE. Especially female dogs with offspring. Put a sly wolf in their vacinity and the attack is
admireable and warranted. Nature is a strange thing just as the human pshychi. It's not always congruent.
.. How many times would the monkey clunk the lion on the head before there is a reaction?
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J. Ridden 3-06-2010 @ 11:03PM
yooh.............you are taking these old but tested sayings too
seriously....these are only for illustration.
An ancient truism, states, 'every dog is allowed one bite', this means to imply that each and everyone of us makes a 'mistake'
ie. misjudgment, misbehaviour, etc. This is still recognized in a
Court of Law, where a Judge may often excuse or give a lighter
sentence to a 'first offender'.
To 'bite the hand that feeds you', is so frequently practiced that
examples are all around you............
I was not able to finish my commentry, since I got cut off.
Young women have often asked,'what is the secret to your 46 years
of blissful marriage?. I always advise those who are serious about
a particular man , and contemplate either marriage or a close
union to WRITE DOWN the traits that you will NOT ACCEPT for
yourself, hence for the partner to be.
Here is a little illustration of the VITAL NEED for a woman to
make a objective and rational appraisal of a man (same applies to a
man appraising a woman)
Imagine you are in a restaurant. Your partner selects the wine,
and does not take a lot of notice of your request...the wine comes
and the server puts half a glass in each of your glass. Your
partner drinks his fairly fast, you have taken half of yours, ie. a
quarter. You partner quickly fills your glass, then fills his own.
He drinks his reasonably fast, you drink only about a quarter.
This is repeated, and a second bottle is ordered. He says he does
not drink much, but if you watch the going of his wine compared to
yours, you will observe several important things which may make you think more about your man....he uses you as an excuse for his
drinking, while keeping his comment that he does not 'drink much'
You can easily lose count of the arithmetic, since he ALWAYS FILLS YOUR GLASS....except, you will notice, your glass is
seldom empty, when he refills, his is almost ALWAYS empty.
At the end of the evening, he has drank 1 and a half bottle, you have
drank half a bottle.
So...watch out....he is dishonest with you, since he drinks more
than you imagine. he thinks more of himself (self love instead
of love of self)........he did not let you choose the second bottle
of wine...selfish?..........there are other hidden traits here, readers
are asked to find them...............of course, when you both leave
the restaurant, he drives, he is an 'in charge' man, you are simply
a bit of entertainment......forget drinking and driving....so , is this
man a good 'bet'..........you decide. There are many of this
type of 'tests' that you ABSOLUTELY MUST devise and watch
for the outcome........if you do not take great care with your
choice of a partner, your life will waver between unhappiness and
misery..........beware the ides of March!
yoohoomissblue 3-07-2010 @ 1:48AM
Wow J, a huge writeup for something not so serious..
This "first offense" ASSUMING it is a first. Although one must outweigh other circumstances in a case. Also judge whether or not other cases were accurate or just a plea as to no other alternative.
If someone teases or torments and mistreats my dog, I hope he/she will bite their legs off and make sure they make good of it. If they are going to go down for it then they may as well FINISH IT OFF. Then of course 'if' a dog could actually have opportunity to speak for themself they could easily say "GOD TOLD HIM TO"
... Works for a crazy bus passenger! If you know what I'm saying.
As for math, I'm not really very good with numbers so would certainly need to be sober to calculate well & fast enough. I would likely pass off the wine though because I'm really not much of a drinker myself.
-- Also, I do see how a man uses his wife or girlfriend as an excuse for much of his own misconduct. Others believe in it!
-They do the same with money as you describe with the drinking. A judge may only ASSUME he has less as the woman gets ripped off like with her wine.
...Another thing, if ever on a date with a guy I would not drink from a cup he'd filled without being completely aware of exactly what's going in it. I would refuse to drink it. In fact I have been in a man's vehicle as he insisted I drink what he got for me. He appeared urked that I'd not drink it! As soon as I got home, I dumped it down the sink. Another guy brought me a tea, I dumped it too! {shh, what they don't know won't kill them|} Ha, ha.. If I'm not seeing, I'm not drinking! Another dating lesson to women.
IDES of March - now there's one I've not read on here over many years.
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yoohoomissblue 3-07-2010 @ 2:04AM
Further more John;
I can't imagine writing out a LIST for a guy you date. I figure things are just neutral and you sort of go with the flow. Over time of knowing eachother you become accustomed to them .. You learn about eachother. Either you are content to be in their company or you're not! What sort of lists do you mean? The issues that should be right on the table are 'sexual practice', drugs and alcohol use.. Although this more for if you plan on a relationship to proceed further in living arrangements and commitment. It would be very scary to find your 'apparently' compassionate mate whom you thought was hetero-sexual is a bi-sexual S&M freak. To many the S&M is sadistical enough to send them packing to China. Or even to find out your shy guy is a biker dude swinger. . I figure it's best to be friends over a while before promising yourself. Surely you can actually grow to have more feelings than expected just by being friends but before embarking on the sexual practice it would be best to know they're in the same court. Then again, some LIE don't they?
- Tell me what you feel should be included on these 'lists' and why?
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J. Ridden 3-07-2010 @ 12:12PM
yoo...thanks for furter interest. Your comments are the 'bread and butter' of partner slection.
I certainly support your need (and correct approach) to write your
ikdeas.
However, I find that your narrative to be not logical, and to disregard
the internation 'suffering' and 'misery' which so many so-called
marriages and partnerships endure.
The poor record of human relationships is a constant drain on
resources, mental and physical stability, love and respect,
sympathy and empathy.
You seem to neglect that it is almost VITAL that people prepare
and work toward a happy, and stable marriage. Why do you not
take notice of the large number of children from your 'random selection' of a partner' who live lives of considerable instability etc.
A woman in particular, MUST take the selection of a future father to
their children with considerable attention. Her own happiness
within marriage will contribute to the happiness of her offspring,
friends and relatives, etc.
Yes, I will write a little of my 'lists'....note, this is simply
shorthand for whatever a person likes to call his/her desired
attributes and undesired attributes on a POTENTIAL MARRIAGE
or POTENTIAL LONG TERM PARENT PARTNER.
1. One strike and you are out...except that every dog is allowed
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J. Ridden 3-10-2010 @ 11:03PM
one bite, so a lady can excuse the first severe blow, but the
second blow means you get rid of him. If this is hard to swallow,
go talk to some of the women in shelters.
2. Mental cruelty...he thinks..says...'I am better than you', which is
almost the same as saying, 'you are inferior to me'. A man with
advanced training, eg. university, married to a grade 10 lady, unless
he is extremely understanding will gradually want to assert his
mental agility...at the expense of the woman in his life.,
This is a bit better than before as women become more university
students. But take care...if he has a PhD, his ego will sooner or
later come to the surface.....be ready with your defence...
3. Illicit substances, must be an ABSOLUTE NO NO for a discerning woman. Don't try to 'cure' him, just leave him, as far
away as possible. You do not need the lifelong struggle of 'helping'
a man to lose the habit.....usually, the habit is not lose, it is, like
alcoholic traits, a lifetime of 'recovering drug addict'.
Yes, ladies, this is a long text, but the subject is VERY important
to you all who contemplate a long, strong, loving relationship.
Beware the macho man.....if you need to see the rule of a macho
society, go to Cuba for couple of weeks....talk to the women and
see how they deal with the super ego of many (not all) of the
male society.
YOU CANNOT' 'WING 'IT WHEN IT COMES TO FINDING THE
PARTNER YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY FOR A LONG TIME
WITH.
If you do not mind a string of failed relationships, fine, go enjoy
yourselves, but remember that famous line..
Heed not for whom the bell tolls.....it tolls for thee!
Good luch, remember, genetics will tell you that YES there is a
man (woman) 'out there' who you can find and live a life of bliss..
believe me or ask my wife......cheers
Jessie 3-09-2010 @ 7:06AM
Intimate Relationships (don't remember the authors.. Miller? and two others?).
READ IT. It will give you all of the answers with experimental evidence and help you figure out your life. These debates about what is right and what is wrong are all about personal opinion and experience. See what the experts actually say. There is no doubt in my mind that everyone who reads this book will know exactly how to fulfill a happy, lasting, and committed relationship.
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J. Ridden 3-10-2010 @ 10:42AM
Jessie.........you may have a good point, but I have found that so
many books have been published on the subject, that the
world is suffering indigestion from the verbiage.
Most of the authors thump the same drums, very few are innovative, if they were correct, there would be far more happiness in the
world.
My advice is STAY AWAY FROM BOOKS.
Yes, as an experimenter all of my life, experimental results can
SOMETIMES be useful, however many such results are simply
narrow conclusions to an immense subject of prime importance
to any nation's well being and 'happy productiveness'.
Carrying out experiments in which NUMBERS can be put to the
conclusions and work, is better than the gabble that most
authors in the 'psychological' world produce.
Lord Kelvin claimed that if one cannot put numbers to a theory
'or experiment', the conclusions were relatively useless.
I have never seen the myriad of 'self help' writers have an innovative, workable, and 'do able' approach to one of humankind's most
perplexing and vitally important topics.
Why is this topic vital?....in my view, if this aspect of human
relations were vastly improved, there would be far less strife and
friction between nations, far fewer wars and skirmishes, and
our world would go forward in the spirit of cooperation and mutual
progress. The great problems which we humans now face may not
be 'solved' but the burden on our planet in terms of, for example,
pollution, animal cruelty, environmental concerns, over population,
etc would be far less.
Have not read your book recommendation. If you find it useful,
this is wonderful, try and put the ideas into pracatice for your
friends etc.l
Good luck..............John
Jessie 3-09-2010 @ 7:11AM
P.s. macho men are often compatible with submissive women. These traits may not be attractive to some people, but virtually everyone ends up with a partner at some point in their lives. You can always find someone who is compatible with you. The reality of it is that sometimes that compatible person is in fact a macho man. So learn who you are, and learn who you are compatible with. Everyone is different.
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yoohoomissblue 4-17-2010 @ 4:09PM
For 1, there are no "random men" with me.
Also grades and scholarships has nothing to do with how a man treats a woman. A man who "appears nice" and had a Phd can be just as abusive as any other man. Yes, they also abuse intelligent women and women with a University degree. (to point out to you that a University degree doesn't signify more intelligence) There is no saying a man who abuses isn't smart in a sense either because perhaps HOW TO BE ABUSIVE is where their intelligence lies so they are able to get away with what they do to intelligent women. Afterall, it's his smart way to KEEP HER so he won't be alone.. Manipulating anyone and everyone. Substance abuse is a strong reason WHY to remain single. There is so much of it just to be "part of the crowd" or you live a lonely life otherwise. Reason being is because a vast majority is into that and encouraging others to do the same. That is likely WHY women "poach" men that are in relationships figuring she has one better to look after her WANTS. I dislike macho and understand what you mean. In fact, I notice other ego type status of nature linked to business men and other jobs. The idea of "I'm ELITE, BETTER THAN YOU, DESERVE MORE".. A fireman rings close in that. Afterall what is the persona of a male stripper women hype over? A sick sensation of heroism. Also when you have a FAMILY you can't risk a string of failures if you love your family. Everyone's idea is "Oh just move on"- Get into it quick with the next one regardless of the exposure to those you love that may get hurt by that in the process. Really, many women have no idea of the men they harbor in their homes and the ABUSE they put other women and children through. A heroic uniform may cover that, right? The mere intelligence within the beast is to hide.
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yoohoomissblue 4-17-2010 @ 4:28PM
J Ridden, I agree that sometimes books may be just a bunch of verbal diarrhea just for the sales. Just as many of these websites are too. Although you can judge a book to be true if you've read it and found much of what falls off of the page to be more like you or your experience. Fact is, you can't always judge a book by it's cover.. Rings true with men too. You don't know unless you have dealt with it. Are the secrets in the closet in someone elses closet? Just as if he has cheated on you or cheated with you he's likely cheating again. That's left to be discovered. Sleep with one eye open at all times, right? A persona isn't always as perceived. No list can say he will abide or not lie.
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yoohoomissblue 4-17-2010 @ 4:42PM
Jessie, how one gets a partner also gives a good idea on any situation ahead too. To what cost were they together? Just because people end up together doesn't mean it was because they were a true match and that there was loving intention. It could even be a matter of convenience or a cover. Jumping into a situation quick just because both were available doesn't necessarily mean it's a destiny. It could be their FATE. What appears to be well matched may have a hidden agenda. Some macho men are very tough and keep their heart just as tough. It's a survival mechanism. Even if taking down another human in the process. One must cover their tracks right? A jewel theif doesn't want to get stuck with the jewels and caught if he can hide it all within a different sack. You will NEVER find honesty in a theif if he is hiding. Confessions would be like pulling teeth. Unh unh.. sure thing , he didn't do it. It was all their fault! Dig deeper into the sack.
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yoohoomissblue 4-17-2010 @ 5:49PM
I need to make sure you understand something; I'm not saying all macho type or businessmen or guys with a PhD hold a bad or abusive type attitude- I'm just stating that it's within all walks of life or backgrounds. You can't just relate it to one social status or personal style & demeanor. Even a 10 year old may know more than a 40 year old about what is a wrong way to treat others. There's much to say about human compassion and empathy than about a grade level in this aspect. To believe one is not educated isn't a fact that one doesn't know what is emotional, psychological, physical and sexual abuse.
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