Wanting to Want Sex: How Does Female Libido Work?
Categories: Sex, Love & Relationships, Worrywart
PrintWanting to Want Sex: How Does Female Libido Work?">
If you find that your desire for sex isn't what it used to be, take heart -- you're certainly not alone. The New York Times magazine recently ran a feature, written by Daniel Bergner, about women who are desperate to overcome their low sexual desire (or, "hypoactive sexual desire disorder"). Here are some of the article's most interesting points.1. Studies suggest that around 30 percent of young and middle-aged women go through extended periods of either diminished desire for sex or no desire whatsoever.
2. Psychologist Dr. Lori Brotto, who treats women at the British Columbia Centre for Sexual Medicine in Vancouver, says that the disorder almost exclusively resides in the mind and is not the result of some sort of physical malfunction.
3. While most women seeking treatment claim that they'd be fine never having sex again, Brotto says they actually long "to feel driven, to initiate, to ignite." (Of course, those who have opted to simply live with low desire do not show up in treatment.) An estimated 7 to 15 percent of all young and middle-aged women (from 20 to 60) are distressed by their lack of desire -- however, little research exists on the subject.
4. Women appear more likely to become devoid of desire as they get deeper into middle age -- but little is known about why. In fact, little is known at all about the disorder: the DSM's criteria simply defines it as "persistently or recurrently deficient (or absent) sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity" -- an assessment Brotto believes inaccurately assumes that the experience of desire is homogeneous and straightforward.
5. Brotto found similarities in the experiences of women with low libido and patients with borderline-personality disorder -- both of whom describe a disconnect from either a particular experience (sex) or life in general -- leading her to suspect that mindfulness practices (an intense and soothing focus on the present moment), which had been successful with the latter, could be applied to treatment for the former.
6. Brotto has assigned a number of exercises to her low-libido patients, including the repetition of mantras (such as "my body is alive and sexual"), the observation and description of their naked bodies using precise, neutral language, and the placement of raisins in their mouth to "notice where the tongue is, notice the saliva building up in your mouth....notice the trajectory of the flavor as it bursts forth, the flood of saliva, how the flavor changes from your body's chemistry."
7. The mindfulness exercises are part of an effort to get patients to reconnect with physical sensation and diminish distractions like work and children, worries about their physical appearance, and fears that their libidos are dead.
8. Researchers are beginning to suspect that women's desire might operate on a different plane than previously assumed: first, a conscious decision (rather than a drive) to have sex, then a decision to be receptive, then physical touch by a partner, then arousal, then the "responsive desire," and finally the emotional and physical payoffs that sex provides. This pattern is known to sex therapists as "desire follows arousal." Some women feel a strong sexual drive some of the time -- at the start of an exciting new relationship or during certain points in the menstrual cycle -- but for most women, sexual encounters begin with, at best, "slight warmth or flat neutrality."
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
clarmar 12-01-2009 @ 10:47AM
I beleive that sex drive is also related to fertility. When you are fertile you want to reproduce. When you begin to lose fertility and finally are no longer fertile, the libido diminshes. Makes sense to me. Men's libido remains stronger longer because they can reproduce for their whole life cycle.
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joe dyck 12-01-2009 @ 1:22PM
According to the wife, taking "the pill" reduces her libido to a very low level. The only time she says she is really interested is when she briefly stops taking it.
Of course, there is the possibility of me having a vasectomy instead, but so far I haven't come around to that idea.
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Dee 12-15-2009 @ 1:31AM
Ok, right off the top here.. Could it not be that by middle age women are actually SMARTER? Really if they are busy learning what they really need to know, they'd see that women are at higher risk to std's and other sexually related diseases. We don't learn that at a younger age. Nor do we take our bodies seriously- I wish I knew then what I know now. Women after having children are higher risk to disease. (opening of the cervix) Guys are often the "carriers" to disease and moreso promiscuous. Really it's quite vulgar when over a lifetime you know of guys cheating and bouncing around from woman to woman. We need to protect our most important asset (our body). Guys are higher risk takers. Women are nurturers. We want to see our family grow and be alive and well for grandchildren for the most part. CAREFUL women with a good mind want to be careful. We really should ask the guy 1) are you bi-sexual?, 2) How old do you want to live to be? They live for the "moment". 20 minutes of sex blows away a whole lifetime. I honestly would rather please those same hormones with being addicted to exercise if I have to consider I may end up with a cheating mate who just walked out of the strip joint. That may be the TURN OFF... Doesn't do much for the libido knowing he was just eying up a pole dancers who shares a back room exchanging more than money. Really the endorsement of promiscuity doesn't help our libido. Not when we know what we SHOULD. Plus look at the piercings and tattooes? HEP (etc etc) Although that is advertised as SEXY, people who know better know that's a gun on our head. I'm smarter than when I was at age 18 when I first had sex without condoms. Also, I had anal sex first. I know of all of the traumas with that now that I didn't know when I considered remaining a virgin. Oh those guys could be so convincing! I will be "desperately out of my mind" when I put myself to risk. One night stands, sex with benefits and all of that isn't LOVE. Women feel more into it if they know they are loved. Plus, consider women who were previously abused or raped. We need time to build a trust. Most guys these days seem to have a hop on it blue bonnet style. Our fast paced world with less time on their hands. Sex with men is comparible to how they shop.Get in there and pick it up quick, no time to read the labels carefully. We women read labels, touch, choose..take time.
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Talikira 12-06-2009 @ 4:16PM
I think that's silly. If a couple is really comitted, they would never cheat, and if they were -really- worried about it, they would have regular check-ups to make sure that they're disease free. (Although I realize that sometimes diseases can't be found out the first time.) Guys aren't the only one to blame when they're being promiscuous and women as well can go off and sexually cheat on their spouse. It's a huge stereotype to think that the majority of the time, all guys think about is sex, and that all women think about being healthy so they can take care of people.
If people are in ignorant in researching STI's, then it's their own fault if they get into that mess, yeah? You have to learn self-restraint and you should only do things if you feel completely comfortable and know what you're getting into.
As well I'm not sure how asking if someone is bisexual has to do with anything. I mean, what? That's just personal decision and I'm not sure how that makes you more susceptible to disease.
One last thing: Contrary to popular belief, prostitutes actually take good care of their body. Generally, they know how to prevent the spread of disease and they know how human sex works because of how experienced they are.
Piercing and Tattoo artists: Usually they will take -great- care to make sure that they change the needle for each customer, and make sure that they are all sanitary. I'm sure not every single person who has a piercing or a tattoo has hepatitis.
I understand that the information is still somewhat new with the condoms and what-not as BACK IN THE DAY stuff like AIDS didn't even exist, and that not everyone is educated or trustworthy in terms of what I said above, but it's not so black and white like you make it seem to be.
Valerie 12-06-2009 @ 5:37PM
Dee, had a PC failure so this might be a repeat reply.
Wow, thanks Dee, you said it like I see it.
Jay 12-06-2009 @ 7:29PM
Dee should re-read this article. I hope you find someone you can trust and then start applying what can be learned on this page. Things aren't as bleak as you percieve them.
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maryfowler 12-08-2009 @ 1:04PM
boy Dee, talk about stereotyping! I have a much much higher sex drive than my boyfriend....it's frustrating because there's not alot of information out there coming from this side!!
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Dee 12-12-2009 @ 1:11AM
Hm, I believe my drive was higher than my exes too.. However, I'm not speaking of just ONE. I'm speaking overall as to why it appears women after middle age are turned off. I'm not saying my desires are not there although it does spook me what all I know of by experience, observation plus by knowledge. .. JAY, perhaps you should STUDY. It's about reasons that reduce libido. STD's and women's health risk and life experiences is a huge part of it. While I was 30 I was as naive as you are about TRUST.
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Dee 12-12-2009 @ 1:25AM
Cheaters don't typically get STD tests. They play Russian Roulette. It's like having a gun at his/her partners head.
There is a 3 month window period between std tests. HIV to be specific. A first result could be negative when actually you may have contracted it. You need 6 sex free months to have accurate results. Generally people think they have a relationship established in 3 months. However, people are often false or withholding of information in that timeframe. I'm not saying that women don't cheat on their spouses. I'm saying women are at higher risk. Men are often carriers to what women more easily contract. Take Chlamydia by an example. It is higher on the std lists. However commonly seen within married couples. Women are most effected. A person can know everything there is about std's yet still be unknowingly infected by a cheating partner. In this case, knowledge isn't power. I feel cheating and exposing a partner is a form of abuse. People should make sure a relationship is over by court etc prior to seeking relationships with others. Not bounce between others then return to the partner and have sex. People should be able to EXPECT their partner is only having sex with them and feel sexually safe from std's. My self restraint would have nothing to do with my partners restraint. With men, bi-sexuality most often involves anal sex. Anal is higher risk for Hep and HIV plus it likely involves more blood. (Hemrrhoids, fissures, polyps, tares). Prostitutes are in it for the money. They are not there to care about you. When they have 3 sexual partners in a day each day of a week there is no possible way to be sure they are not infected. Even if they show you a card signed by a doctor claiming they are std free. They can have a std free test but still contract it the day before the test and it lay dormant. Also, they can leave the clinic and contract it from Joe Blow before they get to you. You are merely an assembly line item. Very pretty people or people with slim and good physique could also be carrying diseases. Looking good doesn't always equal healthy. Remember, very healthy doctors and nurses even have potential for contracting diseases. Also some have lower immunities than others that are placing them at higher risk. As for piercings and tattooes; a majority of people don't get HEP shots, nor are they up to date with tetanus. I feel all 3 Hep shots should be mandatory and covered under OHIP. Most go into a clinic and just lay there and wait to be pricked. They don't literally stand there and make sure the tool was sterile from a package or that a proper sterilization procedure was performed. Do many even know what the sterilization tanks look like or know that it's even been put on? Many don't ask questions. In fact, you often hear of people getting drunk or stoned prior to getting tattooes or piercings done. Too numb to even think in other words. Condoms do break. Also some men remove them in the middle of sex but shouldn't. Condoms have been around as long as AIDS. Plus, what many are unaware of is that condoms don't protect 100% from STD's. They just reduce the risk. In fact if you consider HPV and herpes sores, they are not spread on just the shaft of the penis. In fact to to be properly tested for such std's it's more extensive than just a blood test and urine sample. A woman literally must have a piece clipped from her cervix for accuracy. Also needles in the spine to withdraw cells needed to be tested. Sores pricked to test the fluid. That can only be tested while the virus is active- not while dormant.
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