How Many Sex Partners Is Too Many?
Categories: Sex, Love & Relationships
PrintHow Many Sex Partners Is Too Many?">
Ever wonder how your number of sexual partners measures up to the norm? Curious about why partners sometimes react so badly when you divulge details of your sexual history? Judy Dutton, author of How We Do It: How the Science of Sex Can Make You a Better Lover, answers those and other questions below.Q: How many sexual partners is too many?
A: According to one study that asked men and women the ideal number of partners they'd like to have in their lifetime, men said they'd like to have 18 partners on average, women four or five. So by that logic, men who've had more than eighteen partners and women who've had more than five may be overshooting what the average American would deem ideal.
Q: How many sex partners does the average woman have?
A: According to one study by the National Center for Health Statistics, women will typically have four partners by their mid forties. Men will typically have six to eight partners during that same time period. The problem, though, is that both men and women lie - not only to each other, but to pollsters as well. So whether these numbers are accurate is hard to say.
Q: Should a woman be honest about how many men she's slept with?
A: That would be noble, but studies suggest that even today, women downplay the number of partners in their past. In one study, women reported having 2.6 partners on average. And yet, when these women were hooked up to a lie detector that would ferret out if they were fibbing, they admitted to having 4.4 partners. Meanwhile, men exaggerate the number of notches in their belt. The take-home message is, if you ask someone how many people they've slept with, shave a few off men's tallies and tack on a couple extra to women's totals.
Q: Is there an ideal number of sex partners to have?
A: Believe it or not, mathematicians have calculated that the ideal number of people to sleep with is twelve. It's been dubbed the "twelve-bonk rule." If that sounds high, keep in mind you don't have to actually "bonk" 12 people; just dating 12 is fine, too. The reasoning behind this is, if you've slept with less than 12 people, you haven't sampled enough of the goods to know what's best for you. If you've slept with more than 12, chances are you've passed over a perfectly great partner and are just being too picky. If you're in the latter group, consider flipping through your little black book and giving an Ex a second chance.
Q: Why do we often freak out when a partner tells us how many people he or she has slept with - regardless of the number? Why are we so judgmental about this?
A: Aside from the STD issue, people often assume that promiscuous people have emotional problems or low self-esteem. And yet, while studies from the 1960s do show that promiscuous people have low self-esteem, studies from the 1970s onward show that promiscuous people have higher self-esteem than their sexually conservative peers. In 1991, one study found that women with low self-esteem had 5.5 partners, women with high self-esteem 8.8 partners. Meanwhile, men with low self-esteem had 8.8 partners, those with high esteem 16 partners.
Q: Are you better off lying or just keeping this info to yourself?
A: The problem is, if you say "the number of people I've slept with is none of your business," your partner is going to assume the worst! So, that leaves you with two reasonable options: fib, or tell the truth. One third of men and one tenth of women admit that they've lied in order to convince someone to have sex with them. Forty per cent of these fibbers understated the number of partners in their past, while twenty per cent lied about whether they've taken an HIV test. I guess my point is, don't believe what anyone says! And if you do tell the truth and someone reacts badly, they're not worth dating anyway. Good riddance!
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
sharkush 9-01-2009 @ 7:03AM
I've never told anyone how many partners I've had.One reason is that no one would believe me or think that i'm bragging. Usualy though,after an all night love session,when my partner is gasping "enough! enough!" or"Wow oh Wow!" Don't you ever get enough?" I just say," It must be you! I've never had a rave review like this!" That's usually enough to put a stop to anymore questions. I'm afraid that I really love women & I'd agree that there were a few that I should have stayed with at the expense of all others. Thetruth about the numbers,is actually,"Too many to count." It's well over 100 in 35 yrs in the saddle.
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Dealers_Ch01ce 9-01-2009 @ 8:34AM
Wow Sharkush....Don Juan, James Bond, and John Holmes all rolled into one.
okaay 9-01-2009 @ 1:04PM
Sharkush, you're a real loser! And you definitely fall in the low self-esteem category, very, very low!..you too nathan!
sharkush 9-01-2009 @ 2:43PM
Dealers-choice,,,Don Juan maybe,J Bond carried a Walther PPK.380, which I don't. John Holmes?Sorry,I can't measure up or even come close! A lot of my encounters came when I managed a club so the women were always available for someone with big muscles & a smiling face. Sometimes it was just giving a lady a well deserved,ego building compliment on her hair or dress. Another time was always good for a couple of phone #'s & that was a fight.
Okaay,,you've definitely got issues about your own lack of success with the ladies.Either that or your ex was boinking a bouncer with muscles. There were a lot of married women in my life.They never mentioned that they were married until the deed was done & the main reason they were looking for love in places away from home & hubby is that Most of their husbands were dismal failures in bed with zero foreplay,hop on,finished in 3 minutes,& roll over & go to sleep. Several of those ladies were difficult to shake loose,as they really had nothing to go home to. I knew I was going to have a problem when they said"I love you" after the 2nd visit,or when they started phoning 10 times a day. Meeting a lady at work is always a problem because you have nowhere to hide,unless you used the Hotel & didn't give out your phone number,which is difficult.
Okaay,,you didn't & don't get out much do you? When you do,you must fall flat on your face or develop a nervous twitch & a stutter when you see a woman. It's the only reason I can see for you to run down men who are more successful than you at the game of life & reproduction. In stead of putting on a sour face, stomping your foot & whining,maybe you should keep a close eye on some of the successful men.You'll find that they're not all real handsome,but you'll also find us well dressed,well groomed & smelling great. You will see for sure that when talking to a lady,the smile never leaves my face.& usually she will blush a lot.
I'm afraid that you have much to learn & calling me a loser just isn't very cool or close to the truth. You're definitely not a loser either,because I doubt if you've ever got to play the game.
nathanpaulprince 9-01-2009 @ 10:09AM
The 90s were pretty decadent in Vancouver, and being a clubkid at the time, I would sleep with at least 1 or two people during the night - count going out to the clubs about 5 nights a week and multiply that by 5 years... In '95 I moved to Montreal and til about the eyar 2000 I pretty much went out the same number of nights per week... so yes, safe to say I've slept with more than the 12 bonk rule. When asked how many people I've slept with I usually so over a hundred, then explain the same thing and people generally just think it's so rare that they're fine with it and I change the conversation. Suburbanites are the ones who tend to freak out the most and tsk tsk about morals and so on - the ones who more than likely had two partners in their whole lives... Urbanites just think its part of the conversation - more than likely the ones who've slept with others in secret on their nights out. Cheers!
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TS 9-01-2009 @ 3:00PM
Why is it ok for men to sleep with lots of women and not be called a whore but if a woman sleeps with lots of men she is called a whore? Not that I would sleep with lots of men in the first place. I don't sleep with a guy unless I am in a committed relationship with him. Not to mention I would be worried about getting an STD. I personally think men who brag about sleeping with lots of women are a.) pigs and b.) more than likely have an STD.
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tbag 9-04-2009 @ 2:53PM
Actually i personally think its NOT okay for men to have so many partners. I call men who have alot of partners nasty man whores. i think that men and women are all the same.
angel 4-04-2010 @ 1:40PM
My boyfriend of three years just recently told me he has slept with over eighty three women he is only forty three .I honestly am thinking about leaving him because I feel like I don't really know him,also I think he's disgusting he has some issues but I had know idea how bad they were .How can someone like this really be faithful to one person I don't think they can.
Tom More 9-01-2009 @ 7:56PM
Columns like this one, which treat promiscuity as normal, are part of what is leading western society into a total moral decline. I taught school for years, and if people could see the result (in children) whose parents have broken up because of philandering, they wouldn't be as flippant as they are about sex. The ideal number is one, and not one 'partner' but one wife or husband.The only hope for our society is for it to return to the ideal of monogamous relationships. Unless western society has a death wish, which I sometimes suspect when I read articles like this one, and the comments which follow by members of the public.
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jim 9-01-2009 @ 11:35PM
I feel in one sense your right but in another your completely wrong, personaly I do feel that once you find that perfect match and you tie the knot you shouldn't keep sampling cause thats just wrong. However before you find that perfect someone there really isn't anything wrong with sampling as long as you don't have one night stands every night. I also feel their reallyisn't a perfect number for how many partners you have everyones unick and people should respect that.
DQ 9-02-2009 @ 1:57AM
I agree with Tom and that's how STD is being unbelievably spread in the first place.
Bamber 9-04-2009 @ 3:39AM
Sharkush - I think perhaps you should consider that not everyone consider's getting laid to be success. A lot people (myself included) would consider success the ability to have a relationship. Yes, there should hopefully be great sex involved. I have never had a one night stand and would never judge but it seems to me sex would be more fullfilling as a part of a relationship. Just food for thought...
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