Kyle Killian is a family therapist, psychology professor at York University, and the author of Intercultural Couples: Exploring Diversity in Intimate Relationships. Here, he discusses how couples are getting better at leaping over cultural barriers, and how a North American Jew and an African Quaker can plan a wedding that makes everyone happy.

Q: How did the book project start?

A: Canada's a very multicultural society. About one in six people in Canada are members of a visible minority, and one in five are immigrants. There's a lot of diversity, and you have to meet someone somewhere. It's much more likely now that you will meet someone from a different ethnic or racial background than 20 or 30 years ago.

Q: Why do you think we're seeing more and more intercultural couples now?

A: In the past they were quite taboo, and there wasn't a lot of acceptance within families for intercultural or interracial relationships. I think, also, that 20 or 30 years ago a lot of academic studies tended to be problem saturated. Intercultural couples were seen as problematic and there was a lot of focus on whether or not there was going to be instability or divorce coming out of intercultural marriages.

Q: Are intercultural couples less stable than couples where both partners come from the same cultural background?

A: Recent studies don't indicate that there's a greater likelihood of separation or divorce with intercultural marriages. We wanted to get in there and get the word out. The book is divided into 12 chapters. Each chapter tackles a difference that makes a difference in a relationship. For instance, when you think about intercultural relationships that involve partners across borders – that might mean a different nationality, race, language, ethnicity or religion.

Q: What are some of the unique challenges that intercultural couples face?

A: Everybody knows that all relationships can be pretty complex and challenging. Intercultural couples sometimes experience another level of complexity. You've got life cycle transitions, getting along with each other's families and all of that other stuff that's true of every relationship, but in intercultural relationships you have an extra layer added on by cultural differences. Culture is a little like water to a fish – we're in it but we're not necessarily aware of our culture until we encounter someone who doesn't share all of our beliefs and customs and rituals. At first, what's most familiar to us seems like the way to do it. Encountering someone else means finding ways to do things that are exciting, fresh and new. Sometimes it's so unfamiliar that it's not something you immediately embrace. But if you want the relationship to survive, you have to be inclusive of both partner's traditions.

Q: What's changing for intercultural couples? Are things getting easier?

A: In recent years, there are definitely more intercultural couples and more social acceptance of them. But it also depends where you are. If you're in downtown Toronto you're going to see a lot of intercultural relationships, but maybe not so much in some of the central provinces. When you see intercultural couples out there you see that it's something that can be done, and that it's not as rare or taboo as it once was. And recent research shows that it's not inherently problematic. Intercultural couples are just as likely to do well together. It may be that cross-cultural partners are now entering into these relationships with their eyes wide open. They might have more of a tendency to talk things out in advance because they're more aware of the differences. Other couples might sleepwalk their way to the alter and then the lawyer's office. But intercultural couples know that they can't make too many assumptions.

Q: You co-authored a chapter about the role of the Internet in intercultural couplings. What did you find?

A: There's something for everyone on the Internet, and if you want to meet someone from a particular cultural background you can do that. That chapter answers the question what happens when East and West meet in the Internet marital trade? We discuss questions of desire and power in cyberspace. The Internet is fertile ground for fantasy and marital websites that promise Western males the opportunity to make their dreams come true – whatever they conceptualize as a good wife, which is often a quite traditional woman.

Q: How do these things work? Is it a fee-for-service kind of thing?

A: Kind of. Sometimes people go on cultural tours, so they sign up and go overseas and meet a whole bunch of women. It's sort of like speed dating. Then they choose somebody and they have to pay for them to come back to their home country.

Q: What are the benefits for the women involved? When they come to live with their new husband are they essentially kept women?

A: An Australian man might bring over a Philippina wife, but these wives can't live up to everything that was hoped for. They're not going to be servile and subordinate; they're going to have their own fantasies about what life is like in the west. They're going to have access to appliances and technology, and they're going to expect their husband to provide certain things. And if they don't, there's going to be some conflict, disappointment and frustration. People have to keep their eyes open in a relationship and be aware of whatever fantasies they have about each other's cultures.

Q: But the tone of the book is clearly about how intercultural couples are increasingly successful.

A: Absolutely. For example, chapter two looks at how a couple, one from North America and Jewish and the other was one generation removed from African Quaker, plan a wedding. How do you incorporate and embrace each other's traditions? There were a number of solutions, and you don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater and elope or go to the courthouse or switch to a mainstream generic ceremony. That's not likely to be successful because families are not likely to be happy if they're not invited to a wedding, if their important rituals are not incorporated.

Q: So how do you make it work?

A: You want a scenario where both families feel honoured. Chapter two illustrates how one couple was able to do this, and the ambiguity that helped them deal with a tricky situation. They incorporated the chuppah (canopy) and breaking of the glass from the Jewish wedding tradition. But they both stepped on the glass, and the chuppah was made from a traditional African textile. Both families could come to the wedding and see it and recognize that it meant something to them.

Have you ever been in an intercultural relationship? Did you face any particular challenges or find the experience particularly rewarding?